26 Jan Alaska Fishing Humor
Here we have added a new section devoted to fishing humor, just for the halibut. Please feel free to submit any suitable material for us to include here by writing to the webmaster.
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”
“Why do you want me to throw them at you?”
“Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them.”
“Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy.”
“Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to get the roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight.”
A fish and game warden was driving his patrol car next to a beach when he noticed a man knee deep in the water holding two red things, he wasn’t sure what they were. The officer made his way down the sand to meet the man standing in the water. As he approached he noticed that the two red things were lobsters.
The warden said to the man “it’s illegal to be poaching for lobsters, you know.”
“What are you talking about?” he said startled, “these are my pet lobsters”.
“Sure they are!” replied the warden.
“No, I’m serious. I will throw them into the waves and call them back. They will come.”
“This I have to see,” chuckled the warden.
So the man launched the two lobsters back into the ocean and stood there watching them.
“I thought you said you could call those two lobsters back,” said the warden.
“Lobsters?” replied the man, “What lobsters?”
A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.
“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”
“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on my secret: Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”
“You sell them here?” the customer asks.
“Only $4 apiece,” says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.
“You didn’t eat enough of them,” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.
“Hey, Green,” he says, “you’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”
“You see?” says Green. “You’re smarter already.”
A man took weekend fishing trips twice a month. His wife got used to them, and was sure to have all of his things packed when he came home after work on Friday. After some months of the same routine, she became concerned as to whether or not he actually was going fishing, but without any proof she wasn’t going to confront him. One Sunday evening after returning from his “fishing” weekend, he confronted his wife. “All I ask from you is that you have my things ready when I get home from work. And this weekend, you forgot to pack me any clean underwear. Do you have any idea how I feel wearing the same underwear for 3 days?” The wife defended herself, “I didn’t forget to pack your clean underwear.” He snapped back, “Well, I didn’t have any when I got to the lake. Where did you pack them, they weren’t in my suitcase?” “No, ” she replied, “This time I packed them in your tackle box.”
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived to his Sunday school class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, “Yes, ma’am, he did. My dad said that he didn’t have enough bait for both of us.”
A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.
One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.
The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz.
The fastest way to a fisherman’s heart is through his fly.
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company’s production line, at which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. “This”, he said, “is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.”
A smartass who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, “Where is my father?”
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: “Fishing off Florida.”
The smartass laughed, “Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.”
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smartass said to the Ultimate Computer, “Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said: “Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.”
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your freakin’ cat!”
“Work” is for people who don’t know how to fish.
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite.
He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not to far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn’t believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.
This went on and on until finally the old man couldn’t take it any more since he hadn’t caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, “Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you are saying.” So, the boy spit a glob into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!”
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,” his mother said.
The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, “That was touching. I didn’t know you had it in you.”
The first guy responds, “Well, I guess it was the thing to do after all, I was married to her for 40 years.”
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.
Bernie had never been on a deep-sea fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he’d ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Bernie wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip. One of the deckhands came up to him and said, “Don’t worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness.” “Oh noooo!!” Bernie wailed… “You’ve just taken away my last hope for relief!”
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!,” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!”
A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon’s mid- section. The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, “Madam, the cat is dead.” The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat. “It is still out on the road where the car ran over it.”
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.
“Tch Tch!” said the passerby to himself. “What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I’ll see if I can help.” So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, “What are you doing, my friend?”
“Fishin’, eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?”
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, “Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?”
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, “You are the sixth today, sir!”
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, “How does this boat float?” The father thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.” The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, “How do fish breathe underwater?” Once again the father replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.” A little later the boy asked his father, “Why is the sky blue?” Again, the father replied. “Don’t rightly know, son.” Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?” “Of course not son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!
A man who had his share of the bottle, decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky. “You will find no fish under that ice.”
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, “As I said before, there are no fish under the ice.”
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can’t see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish.
Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts. “I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!”
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, “How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?”
“No,” the voice replied. “I am the manager of this hockey rink.”
Harry was describing a 30 pound bass he’d caught recently after fighting it for three hours.
Bill interrupted the story saying, “I saw the picture you took of that fish. You’re lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds.”
Harry replied, “Well . . . a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting.”
“I’M GOING FISHING”
Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline (an area where Canadian tourists typically visit in the winter) when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Montreal Canadians hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark! At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark’s ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Montreal fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, “I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Leafs and the Canadiens, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship that could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow”. He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, “Who was that?”
“That,” one answered, “was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom”.
“Well,” the harpooner replied, “he doesn’t know a thing about shark fishing!! Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?”
GO LEAFS GO
Two friends rented a boat and went fishing in a lake. The first day, they caught 30 fish. As they were preparing to go into shore, one man said to the other, “Let’s mark this spot so we can come here again tomorrow.”
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy said, “Did you mark that spot?”
His friend replied, “Yeah, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”
The first one said, “That was dumb! What if we don’t get the same boat today?”
“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
– Steven Wright
There were two old boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they’d heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it.
The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, “We’re going to need an ice pick.” After they got their equipment, they took off.
A couple of hours later, one of them was back at the shop and said, “We’re going to need another dozen ice picks.” He paid for the picks and left. An hour later, he was back at the shop again and said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you’ve got.”
The bait man couldn’t stand it any longer. “By the way,” he asked, “how are you fellows doing?”
“Not very well at all,” the boy said. “We don’t even have the stupid boat in the water yet.”
One time there was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing and his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island. When the Coastguard found him, the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers. he went over to the fisherman and said, ” You know, it’s illegal to kill a California Condor, I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you.” the fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed it because he was going to starve. Eventually he calmed down. The man arresting asked him,” Out of curiosity, What did it taste like?” the fisherman replied, ” Well, it was kind of a mix between a snowy owl and a bald eagle
There was a priest that loved to stream fish. One year there was a problem every time he had a chance to go fishing the weather was bad or it was on Sunday, when he had to work. All year he was anable to go. Finally it was the last week before the streams closed. The weather was bad all week until Sunday, when the weather was great. The priest could not resist, he called a fellow priest claiming to be very sick and asked if he could take over his sermon.
The fly fishing priest drove over 200 miles, not wishing to see anyone he knew.
An angel seeing the priest playing hooky went to God and said “You’re not going to let him get away with this are you?”. God agreed he should do something.
The first cast the priest made was perfect. The fly floated past a log and a huge mouth gulped the fly down. For 45 minutes the priest ran up and down the stream fighting the mighty fish. At the end he held a 50″ world record rainbow trout.
Confused the angel asked God, “What are you doing?”.
God replied “Think about it, who he is going to tell?”
“Just last Saturday I was motoring my boat into a small cave that looked like a most inviting spot. As I pulled in I noticed a rock protruding through the surface of the water. On the rock was a walnut. Nearby, on the shore, a squirrel had climbed out onto a branch of a large maple tree attempting to gain access to the rock and the walnut.
As the squirrel moved further out over the water, the branch began to bend, looking like it would afford the squirrel a perfect avenue to the rock. Surely enough, with a small hop the squirrel landed squarely on the small rock. Grasping his prize, he turned to make the return trip on the branch.
Having been relieved of the squirrel’s weight, the branch rebounded back to its original position several feet from the rock. The branch was easily out of the squirrel’s reach. After sizing up the situation a bit, the squirrel backed up a few steps and made an attempt to jump up to the branch. Stretching as for as possible, it was all the squirrel could do to barely contact the branch with one of his front feet. Needless to say, the squirrel was not able to hold onto the branch and fell into the water.
Just as the squirrel hit the water, the place erupted like a depth charge had gone off. In all the excitement and through all the water and spray, I could make out a combination of fur and fish. Then, with a flick of the tail, both were gone.
I immediately poured through my flies looking for something big enough to imitate that squirrel. Maybe this big brown streamer would work. Or how about that mouse imitation? I ended up throwing first the mouse then the big streamer all around that rock, under the tree branches and most every other place I could think of. I must have worked that spot for over an hour with not one stinking bite.
Realizing that I was skunked once again, I packed up my gear and began to slowly head the boat back to the dock. Hearing a splash behind me just as I was getting under way, I turned once again to look in the direction of the rock. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t see that fish putting the walnut back onto the rock.”
Two blondes were fishing by a stream one day when a game warden suddenly appeared. Upon seeing the ladies he struck up a conversation which eventually led to the question, “Do you gals have fishing licenses?” “We don’t need fishing licenses,” one of the blondes replied. “we’re using magnets to dredge the bottom for debris.” Somewhat perplexed, the warden demanded to see those magnets. The blondes complied and reeled in their rigs, and sure enough, magnets were attached to the ends of their lines. “OK'” grumbled the warden, as he left. When he was out of sight, one of the blondes giggled, “Stupid warden doesn’t know there’s steelhead in here!”
Ten common fishing terms explained
Catch and Release – A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it’s limit.
Hook – (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman’s wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
Line – Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
Lure – An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
Reel – A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
Rod – An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
School – A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
Tackle – What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
Tackle Box – A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
Test – (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming “that darn line” for once again losing the fish.
Top 20 Reasons WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX…
#20 – No matter how much whiskey you’ve had, you can still Fish.
#19 – A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 – You don’t have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 – It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
#16 – The Ten Commandments don’t say anything against Fishing.
#15 – If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
#14 – Your Fishing partner doesn’t get upset about people you fished with long ago.
#13 – It’s perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 – When you see a really good Fishing person, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you fishing together.
#11 – If your regular Fishing partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 – Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
#9 – When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
#8 – You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 – You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
#6 – There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 – If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don’t have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 – Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 – Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
#2 – You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 – Your Fishing partner will never say, “Not again? We just fished last week! Is fishing all you ever think about?”
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I’ll build her a new deck for the pool.
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realized the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman’s boat and asks her what she’s doing? She says, “Reading my book.” The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she’s not fishing. To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!” Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, “If you do that, I will charge you with rape.” The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, “But I didn’t even touch you.” To which the lady replied, “Yes; but you have all the equipment!”
Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.” Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.” “I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.” The old woman fainted.
WHAT A MASTER-ANGLER WILL NEVER TELL YOU ABOUT ATTRACTING FISH
1. The primary purpose of expensive fishing lures is to separate a fisherman from his wallet. Attracting fish is secondary.
2. 7 out of 10 misplaced lures will eventually be found in someone’s thumb.
3. Most lures fall into one of two categories: (1) The lures that a fisherman swears he swears by and that he will generously share with you, and (2) The ones that he hides because they really work.
4. The reason the spoon is such a popular lure is it’s versatility, which allows an angler to successfully go after a large variety of fresh water and saltwater fish, and in a pitch it will also function a primitive beer can opener when the pop-top breaks off.
5. Lucky Charms cereal will work as well as some of the most sophisticated flies. Especially the marshmallow hearts and stars.
6. Not only can you use lead shot in rattling lures so that they make noise and attract the fish, but, if you are not currently entered in a tournament, you can also put shot in the fish themselves just prior to putting t he fish on a scale to impress your friends.
7. Ideally, the best sinkers are wide enough and heavy enough to knock out a large fish so that he floats unconscious to the surface and you can avoid all the mess and fuss normally associated with reeling him in.
8. A grenade can be useful when trying to free a snagged lure.
9. When on a fishing vacation, always remember: No matter what the locals will tell you, and how much they charge for the tip, the only guaranteed places to find fish are listed in the Yellow Pages under “Fish Markets.”
One man’s hobby was fishing. He spent all his weekends near the river or by the lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house.
The man came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and lay near his wife. The lights were off and he snuggled up behind her. She didn’t even turn around.
“What terrible weather today, Honey,” he said to her.
“Yes, she answered.”And my idiot husband went fishing.”
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange-looking fish. A man was walking by and said, “Wow! What a nice Gauddam Fish!” The sister said, “Sir, you shouldn’t use God’s name in vain.”
The man said, “But that’s the species of the fish – a Gauddam Fish.” The sister said, “Oh, okay.”
The Sister took the fish back home and said, “Mother Superior, look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.” Shocked, the Mother Superior said, “Sister, you know better than that.”
The nun said, “That’s the species of it – a Gauddam Fish.” So, the Mother Superior said, “Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I’ll clean it.”
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said, “Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught.” Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, “Mother Superior, you shouldn’t talk like that!”
Mother Superior said, “But that’s the species of it – a Gauddam Fish.” Monsignor said, “Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I’ll cook it.”
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, “Wow, what a nice fish.” In reply, the sister said, “Thank you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.” And Mother Superior said, “I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.” And Monsignor said, “I cooked the Gauddam Fish.”
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said, “I think I’m going to like this f%$@# ing place!”
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. “Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?” A little girl raised her hand and said,
“To draw out all his savings?”
In biology class the teacher asks, “Can anyone tell me why a flounder is flat?”
Little Johnny raises his hand.
“Go ahead, Johnny.”
“My uncle told me it’s because a whale raped the flounder.”
“That’s terrible, Johnny. I’ll have to speak to your parents about this. Let’s try another one. Why does a lobster’s eyes protrude from its head?”
Again Johnny raises his hand.
“We’ll give you another chance.”
“My uncle said when the whale raped the flounder, the lobster saw it and his eyes popped out in shock.”
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered the door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
“We’re sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife,” said one trooper.
“Tell me! Did you find her?” Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, “Give me the bad news first.”
The trooper said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in Kachemak Bay.”
“Oh my God!” exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, “What’s the good news?”
The trooper continued. “When we pulled her up she had two 25 pound king crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on her.”
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, “If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”
The trooper said, “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow.”